Who's Out There

(Eleven) Types of Men:

Men you are likely to meet (before you decide you've had just about enough...)

Who are they? Their most valuable possessions / Their biggest fantasies / Their biggest fears)

Choose wisely...

Art & Words by Fanitsa Petrou

"...But if you want conversation, emotional intelligence and empathy? Forget about it… You are better off with a Labrador frankly…"

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1) The Nerd

The socially impaired, neurotic, glass wearing, Game-of-Thrones obsessed, Khaleesi fantasising, Dungeons-and-Dragons-playing, nerdy guy, who has been bullied at high school (which is still the place where all his nightmares take place), who is fluent in movie quotes and quick with the pop culture references. The guy who loves his super heroes and his comics; who will be very useful when your computer crashes, but who has probably seen an unhealthy amount of Japanese porn, which is apparently really, REALLY weird, but not as nasty as German porn (it figures…) so small blessings, and which will have probably left him with an Asian-girls fetish, lusting over tiny, submissive women for the rest of his life. Because of that, he may at some point of the relationship casually suggest you cut your hair in a bob and wear a red kimono while bashfully avoiding his gaze…

On the plus side, he will be for ever grateful to be with you, given that he never thought it possible to be with a real, living, breathing woman - as in not one residing in the two-dimensional world of comics or the Internet.

Most valuable possession:

His hand painted, interactive Harry Potter wand.

His vintage 1997 Final Fantasy VII video game.

His asthma inhaler.

Biggest fantasy:

A new Firefly season (preferably with a thin-again Nathan Filion)

Biggest fear:

The Zompie Apocalypse.

Peanuts.

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2) The "blue collar alpha male"

The guy who is athletic and squared jawed and possibly has abs of steel - though it is equally likely to have a beer gut. The fireman type, the military type, the builder type, the plumber type, the policeman type, the car mechanic type, who loves his mum’ s cooking and his sports, and possibly hunting and fishing (finding the skinning of animals and the gutting of fishes to be a manly, satisfying job); who is a problem solver, antagonistic, and single-minded and in possession of power tools, and so quite handy when you want to hang a picture. The guy who is a real survivor and knows how to take care of “Number One”. Who has a perpetual need to prove his masculinity to other guys and his ‘superiority’ to women. Who watches porn religiously and thinks that porn stars are what any woman out there is like (or at the very least ought to be). Who believes monogamy is for sackers, and possibly has violent tendencies - courtesy of those famous, high testosterone-fuelled survival skills of his - not to mention his porn watching. The type of man who at times of trouble, (accidents, natural catastrophes, wars, storms, floods, the End of Days), will scoop you up before the walls collapse around you making you feel safe. Until he gets angry with you that is, in which case you are better off being in the middle of that storm than anywhere near him. He is also very useful when you are being attacked by other men. That’ s the thing about alpha males: you can count on them when you are in danger from other alpha males: in a world that is still a violent place for women, a husbands' s - only truly 100% irreplaceable - “use” is still, sadly, to save you from other men… Not just because they fight each other, having pissing contests over you and all that, but because a violent man won’ t think twice before harming you, but he may respect some other man’ s “property”- which is what you are, in his eyes…

He is in fact, together with the "The accountant / average Joe guy" (see below), the most common kind of guy out there, and ironically the type you are most likely to marry... But if you want conversation, emotional intelligence and empathy? Forget about it… You are better off with a Labrador frankly…

Most valuable possession:

His six-pack (the one in his fridge, and the one under his flannel shirt)

His rechargeable 3-speed drill (no pan intended).

His "Thor" (pan intended)

Biggest fantasy:

A threesome.

Biggest fear:

Impotence.

Going to jail and turning gay. And liking it.

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3) The "white collar, alpha male"

Politicians, doctors, chartered accountants, stock brokers, CEOs, hedge fund managers, upscale salesmen, agents, big shot lawyers, trust fund young men, and anyone who is making a living by taking a percentage of other people’ s money: charming, smooth, entitled, mean-spirited men. Men in suits who are good at manipulation and selling things; men with serious narcissistic disorders, and possibly sociopathic tendencies, who are consumed with ambition and the desire to succeed at all costs, who have a burning need to prove they are the best, not necessarily by punching each other, but by humiliating and eliminating financially each other. The guys who were bullies at school; who hate their dads and want to prove them wrong; who love money and expensive things and status symbols; who see women as their possession and who will provide an expensive lifestyle for you – at least for as long as you are still young and undemanding.

Most valuable possession:

His first million.

His BMW 6 Series Convertible.

His limited edition i-phone.

Biggest fantasy:

Another threesome, like the one he had on Friday.

Biggest fear:

Being audited.

His father being right about him.

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4) The accountant / average Joe guy

The uncomplicated, dependable, logical, straight talker, small-time lawyer, accountant, teacher, bank clerk, civil servant, middle management guy with the steady job with the benefits and the dental plan and his eyes on retirement (regardless of how old he is), on whom you can rely in times of trouble OR Peace (in times of war and natural catastrophes, you can always count on him to already have stacked dry goods and flashlights - with extra batteries!) and first aid kits in his emergency bag. In times of Peace, you can always count on him to remind you when your car is due for a MOT, or tell you how many minutes exactly you are running late when you are getting ready to go out).

You see him in supermarkets doing the weekly shopping with his wife, making sure she doesn’ t stray and buy expensive brands, ticking things off his list (often not just mentally… but with actual pens. Right there in the supermarket!) He is also quite conservative, and close minded, religious, and possibly secretly a racist, who will bore you out of your mind, and make you wish for your death. But he is granted, reliable, possibly monogamous (in a hygienic sort of manner), and helpful with the housework, which is always a plus. Unless you mind being told over, and over, and over, again the one and ONLY "correct" way of doing things…

Most valuable possession:

His bank statements file.

His insurance policy.

His pension plan.

Biggest fantasy:

Early retirement.

Biggest fear:

Late retirement.

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5) The feminist's son

The rare man who has been raised by the rare sort of woman who is a feminist who fought the need to overindulge her son, or take any nonsense from him, and has taught him that actually women are worthy of his love AND respect, and she has therefore produced the rarity that is a good and decent guy: the thoughtful, sensitive dude who is not afraid to cry, who is loyal and has principles and may have read a book or two; who is gentle and helpful with the kids without feeling he is doing you a favour; who appreciates Art but is cool about it; whose taste in music is unpredictable and anything but generic; who will go on the occasional hike, even to a camping trip but is not particularly good at it. Who loves dogs and is kind and empathetic, and great in a time of Peace, but who is notoriously untrustworthy in a time of trouble: when push comes to shove, say in a war (caused by the white-collar alpha males and fought by the blue-collar alpha males above) or in a crowded cinema theater that’ s caught fire, he will be looking for the EXIT sign, and be equally lost and confused as you…

Most valuable possession:

A photo of you and the kids.

A Joy Division vinyl album he bought once at a flea market.

His glasses.

Biggest fantasy:

Playing drums in a punk rock band.

Biggest fear:

Something bad happening to his family.

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6) The “celebrity alpha male”

The politician, singer, actor, TV personality, public relations executive, the guy who is successful and charming and usually good looking, but also flaky and arrogant and narcissistic and all over the place; who will make you feel like he was born in order to be with you – apparently planets were aligning, stars were exploding, new species were being born, and worlds were colliding - but will forget your name the next day. (Because what are you really to him, other than nameless, faceless body parts?)

Most valuable possession:

His mirror.

The newspaper clipping from his first interview.

His hair.

Biggest fantasy:

International fame.

Biggest fear:

Baldness.

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7) The Tortured Artist

The writer, painter, film maker, comedian, who dresses in black and has a beard for the old-fashioned reasons (because he is too lazy, doesn' t care, or has forgotten to shave), who is dark and moody and intense and possibly a smoker. Who is talented and intelligent and damaged and complicated and neurotic - and a little nuts frankly. Who is sarcastic and hurt, and has major father AND mother issues, and would rather stay home than go out and be in danger of meeting anyone he knows and then having to talk to them; who also has a deep understanding of human nature and is a regular misanthrope (though what else can you be when you have a deep understanding of human nature, I ask you?) Who fantasizes about finishing that novel so he can finally sleep through the night. Who has great emotional capacities which he keeps a secret. Sex with him will be the worse or the most intimate of experiences (possibly both), and your bond with him the strongest of your life, (unless you hate drama). He is also possibly pron to mood swings, depression, addictions, (most likely alcohol) and the need to be left alone…

Most valuable possession:

His old copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses with the hundreds of notes in the margins.

His Prozac.

Secretly, you.

Biggest fantasy:

Being alone.

Biggest fear:

Being alone.

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8) The Hipster

The guy with the elaborate man-bun and the waxed moustache, and the long, I-have-just-invented-electricity beard, who is a barista, or a second-year acting student, a blogger, or a furniture / graphics designer, or else an installations artist - and if not any of that, then a marine biologist who is currently working on his master’s degree. The guy who is covered in tattoos, which are meant to make him stand out - if only every other guy was not also covered in them… The guy who comes from money and is eager to prove he is above it all by dressing from thrift stores in grandfather clothes and flat hats and beanies, and going to Third World countries for a vacation, helping the natives with their various and endless needs for a couple of weeks, and talking about it - and blogging about it - endlessly for the next 10 years. (Every single "good deed" of his, being of course well documented, Instagramed and tweeted) The guy who plays obscure instruments like tiny ukeleles and tambourines, and loves his gadgets and all the Wes Anderson movies; who listens to world music and Indie Rock, and wears plaid shirts and glasses "ironically". The guy who loves experimental theatre (preferably of monologues by young women cantered around their periods, which prove to all that he is in fact a "feminist"); who drinks whiskey from marmalade jars as if this is the Prohibition, and eats salads out of mugs; who loves minimalistic, industrial spaces with bare concrete walls and carpets with green / yellow 70's patterns that remind you of the carpet in the "Shining", and furniture made from reclaimed wood with rough edges and branches sticking out. Who puts light bulbs on painted wooden cases, which he calls “conceptual pieces” and sells them at outrageously high prices to other hipster rich kids. Because what is he, if not an "artist"?

Most valuable possession:

His favorite bow-tie.

His 'analogue' camera. (or what we used to call, "a camera")

His unicycle.

Biggest fantasy:

Becoming famous.

Biggest fear:

Nobody noticing how special he is.

His mum being wrong about him.

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9) The New Ager

The long haired, barefooted, Buddhist, vegetarian, Yoga instructor / pilates teacher / life coach guy, or the one who sells herbal tea and organic veggies at a farmers’ s market or teaches past life regression at Mind/Body/Spirit fairs, who has two Angel’ s wings and passages from the Bhagavad Gita tattooed in Sanskrit on his back; who talks in Self-Help quotes and wears floral (actual floral! as in “with flowers on them”) yoga pants, and has necklaces and things hanging on his - granted - usually well formed, naked torso. Who will meditate and hum and pray and chant and burn incense and smoke weed, and talk about the “other side” endlessly, while staring at his Mandala poster. Who will justify his stoner habits as “astric journeys”, and will talk with religious conviction against sugar and coffee and milk and chocolate and bread and cheese and cake, and all things good. Who will preach about your blocked chakras, and your clogged third eye, and your bad eating habits for a disturbingly long amount of time, and will suggest you have a colon cleanse and a juice fast together, which you suspect with horror, he might mean as a form of flirting... Who will keep a dream journal, and a 'spiritual affirmations' notebook, and be into weird twisted sexual poses that last for an ungodly amount of time, and which frankly, you find to be too much. (Plus you better have stretched beforehand...) Who will also possibly have tons of pent-up anger seething underneath the layers of “Love & Light” platitudes, Self Help theories, New Age philosophies, Rumi quotes and the general “Life is A Journey“ attitude, which reveals its ugly head from time to time, leading to penance rituals and crystal clearing and more sitar music and further fasting. And possibly crying.

Most valuable possession:

His kyanite crystal pendant that connects him to his spirit guide from Atlantis.

A photo of his aura.

His bong.

Biggest fantasy:

He claims: living for three months in an ashram in India. Really: having a steak with mash potatoes and cheese, like his mama used to make.

Finding a way to turn his theories into a real, solid income that will allow him to move out of his brother’ s flat.

Biggest fear:

People finding out he dozes off when he meditates.

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10) The Outdoorsman

He is athletic and cool, overenthusiastic and usually uncomplicated and a bit on the scruffy side. He has an open heart, and often the innocence of a young boy. Loves his cargo pants and the smell of rain, cooking things on his backpacking stove, and talking for hours with other men about that time he thought he saw a bear. He can be romantic and sweet but it will come with a cost. Having a relationship with him – or God help you, a marriage – means your life will include quite a bit of eating out of cans, and going to the bathroom in the great outdoors: he can be a good partner, unless you mind going to hikes and camping trips with him and having to bury your own poo, or pack it out (your choice – because there IS such a thing as a poo etiquette you see), or peeing in a bottle (apparently it’ s not just for boys any more...) It is likely that he is a health nut, an environmentalist and possibly a vegetarian, and loves taking baths in the freezing water of rivers.

He will wake you up at the crack of down to view the Sunset, or have a look at a Northern lapwing (which is apparently a bird) feeding its young. (Try to refrain from throwing his Timberlands at him before going back to sleep) He will tell you long - in fact seemingly endless - stories of camping trips and hikes where he had to - gladly – drink his own urine, pausing to give you the time to be properly impressed. He has a thing against vacations that include hotels, (proper beds, a bath with running hot water, an actual toilet, room service, food that comes in porcelain plates instead of aluminium bags you need to boil) and would rather sleep outside, where he can see the stars, the Moon, the larks and whatever. He knows the name of trees, the different species of frogs and lizards and all kinds of disgusting little creatures, and loves the new vistas as seen from a mountain top, his bicycle, his new hiking boots after three days of wearing them, the feeling you get when you think you are lost but then you see a familiar tree, the snow-covered mountains looming ahead, the untaken road, the smell of his own sweat....

When he gets older, he’ll want you two to spend all your savings on buying an RV, or give up your jobs in the city and "live off the land" (translation: without electricity. Or Internet) Pray he won't say "off the grid" (translation: also without running water and indoors plumbing). Be warned.

Most valuable possession:

His compass.

His old copy of Kerouac’ s “On the Road” he read when he was a teenager and which had set him on this path.

Biggest fantasy:

The Appalachian Trail

Backpacking around the world.

Finding a woman who doesn’ t mind making a pillow out of gear equipment.

Biggest fear:

Global Warming.

Working in an office.

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11) The Nut Case

And finally, the worst for last: the Architect, the academic, the high profile engineer, the post modern designer, the hedge fund manager, the economist, the movie producer, the millionaire who owns a tech company or a media conglomerate, or interestingly, the therapist. The guy who dresses in white linen (often collar-less) suits, and has shoulder length hair (if at all) that go well with his Messianic complex, and lives in a white / gray spacious house with lots of glass and lots of chrome in the kitchen, buttery black leather Italian sofas, with no knick knacks, and huge canvases of abstract Art on his walls. The guy who cooks gourmet meals (in fact he knows how to make just the one, but really REALLY well, and besides it gets the job done) and is particular about his wine and his cigars (and his socks and the length of his nails for some reason), and wants you to know about it. In the Summer, he is not too shy to wear open toe italian shoes, or even the occasional male sarong. He reads mostly the Economist keeping an eye on the stock market, but wants you to think he reads Henry Miller and Bukowski (obviously on account of the sex parts and all). Secretly a hypochondriac and a germaphobe, he has his pharmacist’s (and dealer's) number on speed dial, and has very precise expectations from his employees and his women, both of whom are seen as the providers of a paid service rather than actual individuals. He can offer you long lazy Summers on white yachts (if you have the right age and measurements and the correct amount of self loathing that is), sipping Martinis at parties with other girls who look exactly like you (and are as insignificant and "faceless" as you are to him) sunbathing in white chaise lounges and beautifying his surroundings. He will also tell you what to wear (black and white bikinis with high heels, and white mini halter dresses on the boat; white Jackie O suits on the shore), what to say, what and how much to eat. Sex with him will require specific sanitation procedures, medical diagrams with instructions and arrows, and a Jewish lawyer.

Most valuable possession:

His collection of Japanese erotic prints.

His Viagra.

Biggest fantasy:

Something that involves a whip.

Or an Angora sweater.

Preferably, both.

Biggest fear:

Death.

His mother.

Getting fat.

People finding out that sometimes he cries curled up in the fatal position, holding his blankie.

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Basic Types of Women as seen by Men:

One could go into long lists about the types of women who are out there, what they are like, what they like, how they live their lives, what makes them interesting to men, but why kid ourselves? Seen from the point of view of a guy, who cares? Personality, if anything, is something that gets in the way... Most men are just not that picky, and their criteria when choosing a woman are not exactly sophisticated. They do have some though: basically they see women as belonging into one or the other of these five categories:

1) Young, Old or Ancient

(under 29, over 29, or over 40).

2) Big boobs or Small boobs.

3) Thin or Fat.

4) Blond or Non blond.

5) High maintenance

(demands he puts coasters under his beer can; has a thing against muddy shoes; asks about his feelings - maybe even his childhood; goes on about her day; wants to cuddle after sex; makes a fuss about anniversaries and Valentine’ s days and birthdays and Xmases and God knows what else; after two-three years, wants to meet his parents; eventually wants to get married / have kids, and generally speaking: does not shut the fuck up!)