Dear Men – Part I
…unless you look like Brad Pitt (and I don’ t mean in “Moneyball”, I mean in “The Mexican”!); and unless you look like George Clooney (and I don’ t mean in “The Descendant”, I mean in “Out of Sight!”); or like Chris Hemsworth (in… well, take your pick), then you don’ t have the right to believe that you actually deserve to only be with drop-dead-gorgeous women…
Art & Words by Fanitsa Petrou
Dear men: stop being stuck in the Middle Ages! Which about sums it up.
But if I were to be specific: women regardless of the fact that they are not men, ARE in fact, human beings. Yes, just like you. And they do not actually exist (no matter what your priest, or favourite porn say) solely in order to obey, honour or sexually gratify you, cook for you and have your kids. If you can manage to accept this, you are practically a feminist. (Congrats!)
Also, any woman who shows the female perspective of things, who does not agree with you, calls you on your bullshit, or doesn’ t feel the need to sooth your insecurities, boost your ego or cater to your needs (sexual and other) is not: 1) out to get you, or 2) having her period.
BTW, women are not “sluts” if they go to bed with you (nice opinion you have about your own self by the way!) and they are not “cold, sexless bitches” if they don’ t want to go to bed with you. They are not necessarily lesbians either. Just not into YOU.
On the same note: don’t respect women (as in avoid to use violence against them) because they are someone’ s mother, daughter, girlfriend, wife. Respect them because they are human beings!
Also, how come you are obsessed with women’ s breasts, possibly thinking about them more than about anything else in the entire Universe, spending an unhealthy amount of mental energy fantasising about them – from the minute you hit puberty till the day you die – going to places where you pay in order to catch a glimpse of them, and thinking it is perfectly Ok if half-naked women are serving you your lunch in ‘Hooter-like restaurants, but the minute you see a woman breastfeeding her baby, you are automatically disgusted and you want her to cover up or disappear, go to some dark corner and feed her child in shame, because you find the whole thing to be deeply disturbing and offensive to your “sensibilities”? Do you even begin to comprehend how fucked up that is? (Or how major are your Mother issues? Just asking.)
And women are not “crazy” because they think differently and you don’ t get them. They are not “ball breakers” if they disagree with you. And if they are intelligent and eloquent, they are not trying to outwit you on purpose (though it is often a bonus) and are not doing it in order to personally diminish you and bruise your Oh-so-fragile ego. They are simply being themselves, expressing – like men have been doing for thousands of years – an opinion that is not necessarily aligned with yours. (Try to understand that it is finally allowed! More or less…)
And if you are an older guy and you decide to go for a younger woman, how about you be original and admit that what you like about her is basically: “Her young body parts, her inexperience, her leniency, and how easily she can be impressed and therefore manipulated and controlled. But mostly, you know, her young body parts” And it’s OK, but how about you DON’ T actually say it’ s because she is an “old soul”. I mean, really!!)(Note to women: if you are a young woman and you decide to go for an older guy, how about you be original and admit that what you like about him is basically: “the presents. And how deeply grateful he is. But mostly the presents”. And it’ s Ok, but how about you DON’ T actually say that it’ s because he is “young at heart…”
Also, stop asking random women to “Smile!” (what the hell is that for, by the way? Like a woman must be pleasant in a Stepford-wives-like manner at all times no matter what she goes through, so that she will be unthreatening and ready to go? Jesus!)
Likewise, stop catcalling women in the street. Don’ t get alarmed now, but women are not actually walking by you, because they fancy you. They have not waken up, had their breakfast and dressed in the morning in order to go to work, run errands, or take their kids to school, secretly hoping to meet you in the street. In fact they don’ t even know, or care that you exist. And you shouting obscenities to them, won’ t automatically make them want to have sex with you, or at the very least, strip for your pleasure, which is what your monkey brain is hoping for, right? You can however, be certain that they are being made to feel small and scared and threatened by your words (which I’ m going to assume is part of why you do it). Also, if they tell you to stop it, it doesn’ t mean they want to engage in a conversation with you that will eventually lead to some sort of scenario where they will end up naked. And if they don’ t react or tell you to stop it, it doesn’ t mean they enjoy it and want more of the same. It means they are scared that you might become aggressive. And possibly, dangerous. Because many other men in similar situations have done exactly that…
When you claim that women are “hormonal” because they are “having their periods” and for 3-6 days a month turn moody, snarky or impatient with you, do consider that you are hormonal 30 days a month, 12 months a year, and for the entirety of your life (minus 9-10 years). Meaning you basically make ALL decisions with your hormones. From catcalling women in the street, to declaring wars, pillaging villages, dropping bombs and causing genocides, or daily having all kinds of violent behaviours that are victimizing women and children, or being competitive in sports in a lets-see-some-blood sort of manner, or even being chivalrous towards a pretty young woman (because she HAS to be pretty and young to deserve your help, right?! Which means that even your politeness is the result of your hormones) And BTW, when a woman is “hormonal” she may “nag” about the hours you spend watching sports or playing video games, or for leaving a wet towel on the bathroom floor and be a real “bitch” about it, but when you are “hormonal” you may actually kill her… And that is kind of a big difference my friend!
Also keep in mind: violence is not sexy, and NO! not all women are turn on by it. (You see some of us were actually loved by our parents… Some of us think we DO deserve better…)
“No” means actually “NO!” Get it in your head. Plus (and who knew that this would be like an epidemic these days, and it would be necessary to clarify it?): when a woman is unconscious and you rape her, and she can’t technically say “NO”, she can’t say “Yes” either, and it is still rape, and if you don’t get that, you are the scum of the earth. In fact you are the scum that lives in the intestines of the scum of the scum of the Earth.
Also, guess what? Rape is not “hot”, like murder is not “fun”, and genocide is not an “amusing group activity”. Certainly, not for the victim, despite what all those porn stars you have religiously watched, who have been paid handsomely in order to pretend it, made you believe. (Not that it matters to the rapist obviously…) In fact no matter what horrible things she will encounter in her entire life (war, disease, Natural disasters, homelessness) being raped will be a woman’ s single darkest life experience. This should tell you something. Which makes it not just a crime, but the worst, most disgusting form of violence, and the worst fear with which women from a very early age learn to live. You know that fear you too have, about going to prison and being cornered by a big hairy guy in the showers? Now imagine being made to feel like you caused it upon yourself, and it was not the big hairy guy’ s fault, but your own, for being so damn provocative and cute in your prison uniform and everything? Well, multiply that by a few thousands to understand what rape is for a woman. And realise that while you ending up in a prison and becoming the sex slave of a burly dude is kind of unlikely, any woman’ s worst fear is very VERY real, and faced in real life every day of her life: every time she goes out of her home (or stays at home); every time she is working alone in her office; every time she walks down an empty street, or a parking lot, or a beach; every time she travels on her own; every time she talks to a stranger (or for countless women, to a member of her family!); every time she gets into a taxi or an elevator; every time she goes out on a date, etc etc, because rape culture has convinced you guys that it is Ok. That it is permissible, that it is even your right…
Know also, that each woman you date for the first time, who is interested in you and possibly attracted to you, still has at least one “Oh-God-please-don’t-let-him-be-a rapist / murderer / sociopath / serial killer / weirdo” panicky moment when she sits there smiling, pretending she is interested in what you are saying, because it’ s just very VERY likely. Because that’s what statistics and her experience as a woman existing in the world assure her. And also, know that there will be a moment during the date when once she realises that you are probably not (because you never really know, right?) a rapist / murderer / sociopath / serial killer / weirdo, she will be very likely to feel so relieved and grateful, that she will say / do something she would not have said / done otherwise, just because she was sociologically conditioned to have low expectations from men. The mere fact that you have not raped / murdered her by the end of the night, already puts you in the “Wow! He is a real prince this one!” category. Which let’ s face, is kind of pathetic and the exact thing that has kept you (men) from evolving and escaping the aforementioned Middle Ages…
(Note to women: expect something more than someone who doesn’ t rape and/or murder you. Note to men: be something more than “at least I’ m not a rapist / murderer” – but at least be that for Godssakes!)
BTW, be aware of the fact that the pretty women out there, don’ t exist in the world solely for your personal sexual gratification. And the ones you consider to be plain, still do have the right to exist and walk on this Earth and go about their day, even though you don’t fancy them, and are in no use to you sexually….
And keep in mind: unless you look like Brad Pitt (and I don’ t mean in “Moneyball”, I mean in “The Mexican”!); and unless you look like George Clooney (and I don’ t mean in “The Descendant”, I mean in “Out of Sight!”); or like Chris Hemsworth (in… well, take your pick), then you don’ t have the right to believe that you actually deserve to only be with drop-dead-gorgeous women…
BTW, stop thinking that women don’ t prefer (given the choice) to have a relationship with a gorgeous tall guy with spectacular abs and an abundance of hair follicles. They have simply evolved emotionally and secretly understand that beauty is not necessarily the best thing they should be going for when searching for a life partner. Because more often than not, extraordinary beauty comes with vanity, silliness, selfishness, narcissism, shallowness, often even cruelty, with the extra bonus of a complete lack of humour and empathy. I mean great abs are created in gyms. And what woman in her right mind would want to be with a guy who spends every spare minute lifting things up and down (and then again up and down, for hours and hours on end…) while granting in gyms? Granted, not many things can beat great abs or indeed great hair (yes, you have guessed right, we do care about hair), and a well-developed torso, but these things are sadly, usually attached to a horrible or boring human being. The same goes often for extraordinary-top-model types of women mind you: you can’t expect much from them in way of intelligence or empathy. But I will go ahead and guess that you need a couple of millennia more, in order to reach that conclusion and feel the need for more than a mindless doll. In the meantime, how about you DON’ T complain about being with a gorgeous woman who apparently is with you only for you money? How about you don’ t complain about her destructive habits, her cheating, narcissism, her spending, her silliness, her cruelty, her bitchiness, her greed, her whateverness? How about you continue to be grateful that she is still with you, both of you playing the corresponding roles you have chosen in this life?
You see you stop having the right to complain about “gold diggers”, and women who are with you because you are wealthy, or powerful, or famous, (or possibly simply have a job), the minute you use your money / power / status / fame, in order to impress (or lure) exactly the sort of woman who can be impressed by that sort of thing. You have actually chosen her BECAUSE of that. In short, she is your type my friend, and you deserve each other! If you’ve done that, you are the sort of man who thinks he can buy the affection of a woman with gifts and jewellery, and she is the sort of woman who puts a man’ s money above all else, and so can actually be bought by guys like yourself. You have not chosen her on account of her integrity, intelligence, kindness, personality, or great conversational skills. You’ve chosen her on account of her various body parts and youth, but above all else, her willingness to exchange these with expensive gifts from guys like yourself, right? You are the sort of man who uses money to literally buy the affection (aka sexual favours) of pretty young girls, and she is the sort of girl who has been coached her entire life to be nothing more than a powerful man’ s toy, and who is therefore easily impressed by guys just like you. This was your arrangement, this was the type of relationship you had: you paid the bills, bought the jewellery and the expensive bags, and offered the seaside vacation, and spa days, and jacuzzi balconies, and Sea vistas or whatever, and she pretended to be impressed by you, tell you (with no sense of irony) you are “the best” and allowed you to fuck her in a number of unpleasant for her ways! That was your arrangement, why the hell are you complaining now?! When you have being buying her affection, or at least her lenience and her silence with gifts, and compliments and cash, why are you shocked when she wants more, or in the case of a divorce, expects compensation for having spent years with you? Ok, why sugarcoat it? The compensation is for having to have sex with you for all those years. Because you see when a woman is not actually in love, sex becomes a chore! Or even a torment. And she was not actually in love, but just in need of you! You know, like you were too… What you had, was a transaction. A cold and heartless transaction you have initiated and controlled, and for which you wrote the rules and yes, because of that, also paid the bills! If you wanted to be loved for who you actually were – as opposed to how much money you are worth – you should have gone not for the beauty queen with the gigantic boobs and the low expectations, but for the type of women who take no shit from you, who have the kind of intelligence and healthy self esteem and understanding of life, which would allow them not be easily impressed by misogynistic machismo, money, power, or lets face it, the likes of you… So how about you pay those bills, and those alimonies and stop complaining about it? You not only deserve each other, you were practically made for each other…
On a somewhat similar note, prostitution is not your “male right”. In the exact same manner that slaves were not actually the property of their owners. Because slaves AND prostitutes are, you know, human beings. Even if you pay them (or in the case of slaves, offer them a plate of food) you still don’t get to have the moral right to take away their dignity, their humanity and their right to have a say in what is being done to them. Which is what you think you are entitled to, when you offer money to a hooker, or a stripper, or a trophy wife for that matter, right? When you reduce sex, (the ultimate act of intimacy and the most sacred of human interactions) into a transaction and an act of violence which purposely dehumanises your victim, turning her into an object you have bought, and can therefore use in any manner you want, you should at least have a clue that what you are doing is wrong, given that you are dealing with a human being…
And do keep in mind that the porn stars you love fantasising about, are actresses who are playing a role. Not to mention they are women with a dangerously low self-esteem, horrible childhoods, and dark abusive backgrounds who think they have no options left than living a life in which they are being publicly assaulted by men and pretend like they are having one hell of a time! (Yes, even the ones who claim it is “their choice” and they feel “empowered” by the experience, cause as soon as they are out, they talk about the years of abuse and fear and humiliation they’ve experienced…) Let me spell it out for you in another manner: they were paid and occasionally blackmailed and enforced in order to pretend they like the things they seem to like, which would make any normal woman who still has a shred of dignity, a healthy self-esteem, and the freedom of choice to recoil with disgust – and NOT because she hates sex. Do you think it’s a coincidence that every piece of literature, every movie, or TV serial written or directed by serious female writers (those few who are allowed to be out there anyway) depicts women feeling disgust and outrage or discomfort at the very least when they are being coerced by men to do the kind of things that porn stars seem to always find to be spectacularly enjoyable (their empty eyes – the eyes of a woman who is actually being raped – betraying their true feelings)? In short, take a hint already!
In prostitution, what you are actually paying to have, is the right to assault and humiliate another human being, to make it small and insignificant, and therefore easy to manipulate, control, use and abuse. And in the case of porn, what you are paying is the right to become a witness to the crime of a human being being assaulted and made small in front of your very eyes, having things done to her body (as well as her soul) that she would never have allowed if she was a free-willed individual with a voice, and the power to have control over her body, her spirit and her life. But I guess this is between you and your conscience, which I’ m going to assume that when it comes to such matters, it remains mostly silent. But when you expect or even demand from your wife to replicate the same sort of humiliations, and receive the same sort of assaults, and to do it with the same sort of enthusiasm as the sex workers, so that your own, always-hungry-for-victims-masculinity will be validated, don’ t expect your relationship to remain intact. Even if she obliges you; even if she does wear that dog collar you bought for her as a Valentine’s present, and does get on her knees and possibly bark like a fucking dog if that’s what you go for, because she has been groomed from an early age to think that she is insignificant unless she is seen as sexually worthy by a guy and in the manner that suits him, no questions asked, and because she is being daily brain-washed by the rape culture to happily become a victim in order to be “cool”, in order to get to “have” her man, in order to make him marry her and then to keep him,don’ t think that it has no consequences. When she plays the “porn” game, or the S&M game, or the one-sided sexual acts game, she is driven by her own low self-esteem, and the need to be seen as “hot”, “cool”, “up for anything” or in order to keep you from going to actual sex workers, but you should however not expect her to continue to see you as a man who is of any actual consequence! By asking her to silence herself, to disappear, to become a piece of meat, to be nothing but random limps (mouth, ass, breasts, vagina – possibly in that order), random body parts that are no longer attached to an individual, you also become smaller to her own eyes, and there is no turning back from that… She may continue to oblige you for as long as she remains insecure, desperate, without options, or afraid of you, (or stupidly, immaturely in love with you), but secretly she no longer sees you as actually worthy of her love – let alone, her respect.
Know also, that by obsessively watching porn, you systematically alter your soul, your nature, not just your perception of real, live women, (their bodies, their actual needs, their true natures) and there is no easy way out of that dark, creepy, nasty, misogynistic, inhumane place. If you have become a porn addict, you are daily getting in touch with a darker, more violent side of your male nature that has been left behind in some cave, countless thousands of years ago. By resurrecting that primal part of your archetypal male nature, you allow it to take over other aspects of your personality, which turn you into the worse version of yourself, and the world gradually into an increasingly more violent place – one porn addict at a time: ever since Internet porn took such a hold on men’ s lives, their perception of women (AND girls!!) has been dramatically altered, and the relationships between the sexes took a weird turn. But above all, the world has become a more dangerous place for women and children. The signs are already there. Maybe there is no way back. But maybe fighting that old Neanderthal urge, will actually save the world from further darkness!
Know that being male in a civilised culture, does not need to be equated with being aggressive and abusive. And not being aggressive is not an indication that you are losing your grip on your heterosexuality (given that being gay is possibly still your worst fear) It only means that you are actually evolving as a human being. There is no need to “prove” that you are a man BTW. Not only because it’s a done deal, it cannot be undone, but because the ways chosen by guys who need to “proof” their masculinity are always ALWAYS victimizing women, girls, and other less powerful men. And there is enough of that in the world already! When you are a compassionate, kind, empathetic, thoughtful, non-aggressive, decent individual, with integrity, accountability and a conscience, who will never victimise other people, you are STILL a man. In fact you are an evolved sort of man and the best kind out there!
In the meantime: Any woman who talks about violent behaviour, gun use, rape, human trafficking, sex tourism, pornography, harassment, sexual slavery, pedophilia, the pornification of women in the media, child marriages (of girls as young as seven years old with grown ass men in their forties. Or seventies), domestic violence, the rape culture, the realities of marriages that turn into prisons for women, or laws and religious practises that discriminate against, humiliate and victimize half of the Earth’ s population, or fathers who sexually abuse their daughters, or indeed war and genocides, in short any of the activities typically – like it or not – attached to the male gender, is not (surprisingly!) a man hater, but simply referring to ACTUAL facts and the everyday realities of countless women and children! Which might mean that women’ s degree of love for men -given all the above – is actually spectacularly, miraculously, outrageously, irrationally, inexplicably great! And you guys should work on actually becoming more deserving of it!
Finally, feminists, do not have “issues” with ALL men. Just the insensitive, small-minded, violent, abusive, with deeply ingrained misogynistic attitudes ones. And if you are getting angry by reading this, then it just might mean that you too are one of them my friend…
“Dear Men – Part I”: Art & Words Copyright © Fanitsa Petrou. All Rights Reserved.
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Read also: “Dear Women” http://wp.me/s7jQTY-1588