Who's Out There
(Eleven) Types of Men:
Men you are likely to meet (before you decide you've had just about enough...)
Who are they? Their most valuable possessions / Their biggest fantasies / Their biggest fears)
Choose wisely...
Art & Words by Fanitsa Petrou
"...But if you want conversation, emotional intelligence and empathy? Forget about it… You are better off with a Labrador frankly…"
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1) The Nerd
The socially impaired, neurotic, glass wearing, Game-of-Thrones obsessed, Khaleesi fantasising, Dungeons-and-Dragons-playing, nerdy guy, who has been bullied at high school (which is still the place where all his nightmares take place), who is fluent in movie quotes and quick with the pop culture references. The guy who loves his super heroes and his comics; who will be very useful when your computer crashes, but who has probably seen an unhealthy amount of Japanese porn, which is apparently really, REALLY weird, but not as nasty as German porn (it figures…) so small blessings, and which will have probably left him with an Asian-girls fetish, lusting over tiny, submissive women for the rest of his life. Because of that, he may at some point of the relationship casually suggest you cut your hair in a bob and wear a red kimono while bashfully avoiding his gaze…
On the plus side, he will be for ever grateful to be with you, given that he never thought it possible to be with a real, living, breathing woman - as in not one residing in the two-dimensional world of comics or the Internet.
Most valuable possession:
His hand painted, interactive Harry Potter wand.
His vintage 1997 Final Fantasy VII video game.
His asthma inhaler.
Biggest fantasy:
A new Firefly season (preferably with a thin-again Nathan Filion)
Biggest fear:
The Zompie Apocalypse.
Peanuts.
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2) The "blue collar alpha male"
The guy who is athletic and squared jawed and possibly has abs of steel - though it is equally likely to have a beer gut. The fireman type, the military type, the builder type, the plumber type, the policeman type, the car mechanic type, who loves his mum’ s cooking and his sports, and possibly hunting and fishing (finding the skinning of animals and the gutting of fishes to be a manly, satisfying job); who is a problem solver, antagonistic, and single-minded and in possession of power tools, and so quite handy when you want to hang a picture. The guy who is a real survivor and knows how to take care of “Number One”. Who has a perpetual need to prove his masculinity to other guys and his ‘superiority’ to women. Who watches porn religiously and thinks that porn stars are what any woman out there is like (or at the very least ought to be). Who believes monogamy is for sackers, and possibly has violent tendencies - courtesy of those famous, high testosterone-fuelled survival skills of his - not to mention his porn watching. The type of man who at times of trouble, (accidents, natural catastrophes, wars, storms, floods, the End of Days), will scoop you up before the walls collapse around you making you feel safe. Until he gets angry with you that is, in which case you are better off being in the middle of that storm than anywhere near him. He is also very useful when you are being attacked by other men. That’ s the thing about alpha males: you can count on them when you are in danger from other alpha males: in a world that is still a violent place for women, a husbands' s - only truly 100% irreplaceable - “use” is still, sadly, to save you from other men… Not just because they fight each other, having pissing contests over you and all that, but because a violent man won’ t think twice before harming you, but he may respect some other man’ s “property”- which is what you are, in his eyes…
He is in fact, together with the "The accountant / average Joe guy" (see below), the most common kind of guy out there, and ironically the type you are most likely to marry... But if you want conversation, emotional intelligence and empathy? Forget about it… You are better off with a Labrador frankly…
Most valuable possession:
His six-pack (the one in his fridge, and the one under his flannel shirt)
His rechargeable 3-speed drill (no pan intended).
His "Thor" (pan intended)
Biggest fantasy:
A threesome.
Biggest fear:
Impotence.
Going to jail and turning gay. And liking it.
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3) The "white collar, alpha male"
Politicians, doctors, chartered accountants, stock brokers, CEOs, hedge fund managers, upscale salesmen, agents, big shot lawyers, trust fund young men, and anyone who is making a living by taking a percentage of other people’ s money: charming, smooth, entitled, mean-spirited men. Men in suits who are good at manipulation and selling things; men with serious narcissistic disorders, and possibly sociopathic tendencies, who are consumed with ambition and the desire to succeed at all costs, who have a burning need to prove they are the best, not necessarily by punching each other, but by humiliating and eliminating financially each other. The guys who were bullies at school; who hate their dads and want to prove them wrong; who love money and expensive things and status symbols; who see women as their possession and who will provide an expensive lifestyle for you – at least for as long as you are still young and undemanding.
Most valuable possession:
His first million.
His BMW 6 Series Convertible.
His limited edition i-phone.
Biggest fantasy:
Another threesome, like the one he had on Friday.
Biggest fear:
Being audited.
His father being right about him.
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4) The accountant / average Joe guy
The uncomplicated, dependable, logical, straight talker, small-time lawyer, accountant, teacher, bank clerk, civil servant, middle management guy with the steady job with the benefits and the dental plan and his eyes on retirement (regardless of how old he is), on whom you can rely in times of trouble OR Peace (in times of war and natural catastrophes, you can always count on him to already have stacked dry goods and flashlights - with extra batteries!) and first aid kits in his emergency bag. In times of Peace, you can always count on him to remind you when your car is due for a MOT, or tell you how many minutes exactly you are running late when you are getting ready to go out).
You see him in supermarkets doing the weekly shopping with his wife, making sure she doesn’ t stray and buy expensive brands, ticking things off his list (often not just mentally… but with actual pens. Right there in the supermarket!) He is also quite conservative, and close minded, religious, and possibly secretly a racist, who will bore you out of your mind, and make you wish for your death. But he is granted, reliable, possibly monogamous (in a hygienic sort of manner), and helpful with the housework, which is always a plus. Unless you mind being told over, and over, and over, again the one and ONLY "correct" way of doing things…
Most valuable possession:
His bank statements file.
His insurance policy.
His pension plan.
Biggest fantasy:
Early retirement.
Biggest fear:
Late retirement.
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5) The feminist's son
The rare man who has been raised by the rare sort of woman who is a feminist who fought the need to overindulge her son, or take any nonsense from him, and has taught him that actually women are worthy of his love AND respect, and she has therefore produced the rarity that is a good and decent guy: the thoughtful, sensitive dude who is not afraid to cry, who is loyal and has principles and may have read a book or two; who is gentle and helpful with the kids without feeling he is doing you a favour; who appreciates Art but is cool about it; whose taste in music is unpredictable and anything but generic; who will go on the occasional hike, even to a camping trip but is not particularly good at it. Who loves dogs and is kind and empathetic, and great in a time of Peace, but who is notoriously untrustworthy in a time of trouble: when push comes to shove, say in a war (caused by the white-collar alpha males and fought by the blue-collar alpha males above) or in a crowded cinema theater that’ s caught fire, he will be looking for the EXIT sign, and be equally lost and confused as you…
Most valuable possession:
A photo of you and the kids.
A Joy Division vinyl album he bought once at a flea market.
His glasses.
Biggest fantasy:
Playing drums in a punk rock band.
Biggest fear:
Something bad happening to his family.
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6) The “celebrity alpha male”
The politician, singer, actor, TV personality, public relations executive, the guy who is successful and charming and usually good looking, but also flaky and arrogant and narcissistic and all over the place; who will make you feel like he was born in order to be with you – apparently planets were aligning, stars were exploding, new species were being born, and worlds were colliding - but will forget your name the next day. (Because what are you really to him, other than nameless, faceless body parts?)
Most valuable possession:
His mirror.
The newspaper clipping from his first interview.
His hair.
Biggest fantasy:
International fame.
Biggest fear:
Baldness.
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7) The Tortured Artist
The writer, painter, film maker, comedian, who dresses in black and has a beard for the old-fashioned reasons (because he is too lazy, doesn' t care, or has forgotten to shave), who is dark and moody and intense and possibly a smoker. Who is talented and intelligent and damaged and complicated and neurotic - and a little nuts frankly. Who is sarcastic and hurt, and has major father AND mother issues, and would rather stay home than go out and be in danger of meeting anyone he knows and then having to talk to them; who also has a deep understanding of human nature and is a regular misanthrope (though what else can you be when you have a deep understanding of human nature, I ask you?) Who fantasizes about finishing that novel so he can finally sleep through the night. Who has great emotional capacities which he keeps a secret. Sex with him will be the worse or the most intimate of experiences (possibly both), and your bond with him the strongest of your life, (unless you hate drama). He is also possibly pron to mood swings, depression, addictions, (most likely alcohol) and the need to be left alone…
Most valuable possession:
His old copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses with the hundreds of notes in the margins.
His Prozac.
Secretly, you.
Biggest fantasy:
Being alone.
Biggest fear:
Being alone.
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